Hardly Any Sex in Either City

Sex and the City: the Movie is a pretty far cry from the series. The series can boast mostly reasonable relationships and dynamics, even if the fashion got pretty outrageous toward the end. The movie can boast pretty outrageous fashion from beginning to end, and little else.
The movie begins with Carrie wearing what otherwise would be a pretty dress if not for the enormous flower spread on her shoulder. Remember the flower craze Pat Field went into during the 2nd or 3rd season? This flower is bigger and not at all better. And thus the movie begins its fascination with fashion so hip and so trendy that it veers straight off the runway into downright hideousness.
Carrie walks down the road with her giant fauna swaying dangerously on her shoulder, and then, five seconds later, has changed into another outfit. This one includes gloves that taper off just above her wrists, which, given that she wears them for another few seconds and only to make a call on a payphone, does not grate as much as it would have had she worn this (or any other) outfit for longer than a minute. They are also not in any danger of engulfing her head like the Venus Fly trap she wore seconds ago.
Another wardrobe change, this time into a cute green dress, and she and Mr. Big are looking at apartments. The apartment they view is huge and completely out of either of their price ranges, but they decide to take it, because this movie is the giant fantasy of witless fashion designer. Carrie needs a bigger closet. Mr. Big promises to expand the current one. Carrie simpers, and then changes her clothes once more to walk down the street in a bubble dress with Charlotte and Miranda, telling them all about her real estate "heaven." Charlotte is thrilled, because her character is two-dimensional. Miranda is cynical, because she is also two-dimensional. Carrie baby voices at them that she's happy, Charlotte smiles, Miranda scowls. Samantha appears, having flown all the way from LA to attend...an auction. Where she wants to buy a flower cocktail ring. Because it's Samantha, and accepting her life requires an enormous suspension of disbelief. She does not get the flower ring she wants. The other girls do not comfort her in any way.
Another wardrobe change, and suddenly Big and Carrie have decided to get married. Why? Because Carrie, bolstered by a healthy dose of Miranda's skepticism, tells Big she wants her name on the apartment purchase. Instead of agreeing like a mature adult, Big instead suggests that they get married, and that's how Carrie and Big get engaged.
There is a 30-minute montage of wedding preparation, 1 minute of which is spent deciding on the venue and the other 29 of which is devoted to wedding dresses. Carrie picks a vintage suit to get married in, and Anthony and Charlotte disapprove of something so simple and drama-free. Then, miraculously, Vogue asks Carrie to do a wedding photo shoot and she gets to keep one of the designer wedding gowns. Big builds Carrie her enormous closet, and Carrie uses it to store a pair of bright blue shoes that I'm pretty sure the Wicked Witch would have worn had her color scheme permitted it.
The next 30 minutes deal with Big being suddenly, irrationally, insanely nervous about the upcoming wedding, with a few minutes set aside to deal with the much more important issue of Steve cheating on Miranda. Miranda is pissed but no one cares, because Big is nervous about getting married. On the wedding day, Big sits inside a limo and calls and calls Carrie, who, as contrivance would have it, can't pick up her phone. Instead of being a mature adult (again), Big decides he's going to ditch Carrie at the altar. He informs Carrie of this when she uses a stray cell phone to call him and ask where the hell he is and why he's not at the wedding. She drops the phone very dramatically and swoons, freaks out, yells at her friends to get her outside, finds Big, and SMASHES HER BOUQUET into him. Flower petals dramatically rain down on Big. Miranda is still upset over Steve, and still no one cares.
Carrie's way of coping with being jilted at the altar is to go on her honeymoon with Miranda, Samantha, and Charlotte. Instead of partying it up in a tropical paradise, she falls down on her bed, orders the girls to draw the blinds, and sleep for 3 days straight. Samantha walks in one day to spoon feed her oatmeal, because Carrie is now a toddler. On Day 4 she finally manages to walk outside, and spends the rest of her vacation wondering if she'll ever laugh again. She will, and does, when Charlotte poops her pants. Carrie is a good friend.
The rest of the movie is almost unmemorable. Carrie changes outfits 50 more times and dyes her hair brown, and it looks horrible. She also hires an assistant, badly-acted by Jennifer Hudson, to sort her email. That's right, Carrie Bradshaw the column writer, who makes about $40K a year and spends it all on shoes and clothes, hires an assistant. To sort her email. She also buys said assistant a Louis Vuitton bag as a Christmas gift, and then her assistant quits because she gets engaged and therefore her life must immediately stop. The two actually do end up deserving one another.
Miranda and Steve manage to solve their problems through a series of contrived events that lead to the most contrived reconciliation in the history of SATC. One nondramatic, nonromantic kiss later, they're back together.
Nothing whatsoever happens with Charlotte except that she gets pregnant and gives birth. Charlotte is generally happy and thus completely boring.
Samantha struggles with the same thing she always struggles with - infidelity. She just can't seem to stop wanting to cheat on Smith. There is a neighbor that we're supposed to think is hot, but he isn't. He's a Ken doll. Samantha wants him, and to stop herself from cheating she starts eating a lot. She then breaks up with Smith because 1) he bought her the flower ring from the auction when she wanted it to buy it for herself, 2) she wants to cheat on him with the neighbor Ken doll and all that eating is making her fat, and 3) breaking up with Smith is the plot contrivance she needs to move back to New York. None of the reasons makes much sense and neither does Samantha, but she still somehow manages to be the most amusing, least grating character in the movie.
Finally, Carrie and Big get back together when Carrie finds out that he's been sending her the love notes of famous writers since he left her at the altar. Their reconciliation in the end is as incredulous as their breakup in the beginning, but the movie was already 2.5 hours long so there you have it. Carrie and Big get married, and she wears her vintage suit. Everyone lives unhappily ever after. No sex. Hardly any city. Lots of crazy outfits. SATC: TM has been brought to you by Vogue.

Indiana Jones: A Space Odyssey

Harrison Ford reunites with his octogenarian contemporaries Spielberg and Lucas. Shia LaBeuof reprises his role as the lone bright spot in a campy summer “blockbuster.” Cate Blanchett adds “KGB agent” to her growing list of strange character choices. And Karen Allen returns from a half-century’s hiatus to grin inanely.
“I don’t understand” Shia LaBeuof says, echoing the audience’s collective confusion as it watches a 107-year-old Indiana Jones stagger across desert and jungle in search of yet another Valuable Historical Artifact - a crystal skull that is neither crystal nor really skull. It’s also alien. And inexplicably magnetic. And, at times, alive.
The first half of the movie is generally pleasing in a playful way that echoes past Indiana Jones movies. Harrison Ford is there, in his remarkably well-preserved hat, fighting bad guys, chasing historical mysteries across the world, and getting out of impossible situations alive and unscathed. There are two-dimensional enemies with thick Russian accents. There is a fat friend and a romantic love interest. There’s even a young sidekick, although the sidekick is, for the first time, of actual personal interest to Indiana.
The first half of the movie finds Indiana Jones fighting KGB agents for control of the crystal skull, losing said crystal skull, barely escaping with his life (again), and surviving a nuclear test he accidentally stumbles into. Yes, that really happens. And he survives. By leaping into a lead-cased refrigerator. This plot point serves no purposes except to showcase a very large explosion, which is, unfortunately, not an unusual reason in an Indiana Jones film.
The middle of the film plods along more slowly than the beginning, reaching only a slight level of amusement when Shia LaBeuof appears. Indiana and Indiana Jr. (b/c the young sidekick is actually his son, and we actually figure that out the second he steps onscreen) work together in their quest to retrieve the crystal skull from the Russians. Shia LaBeuof states that Indiana Jones is a little long in the tooth for such antics and Harrison Ford agrees, but Indiana keeps traveling around the globe punching bad guys. The two find the Russians in the jungle, and are, of course, captured. Cate Blanchett forces Indiana Jones to stare into the abyss of the crystal skull; Harrison Ford stares into the abyss of his career. The skull speaks to Indiana Jones inside his mind, and the plot veers from campy fun to complete lunacy.
Indiana, as per usual, refuses to help the Russians any further, and then, as per usual, changes his mind when he realizes the Russians have captured Jones Jr.’s mother, Marion Ravenwood. The KGB agents start barking orders. The Russian commands are never subtitled, but members of the audience who do not understand Russian are never hindered since each command is followed by a visual interpretation mere seconds later. Cate Blanchett barks “knife!” in Russian, and a knife appears in her hands. She yells out “map!” and a map and table are slammed down in front of her. The men behind her exclaim such helpful orders as “hurry!” and “faster!” and Harrison Ford solves a riddle written in Mayan hieroglyphics more quickly than Lucas can say “I need a larger CGI budget. Also, MORE ALIENS.”
Indiana, Junior, Junior’s mom, and Ox, the lunatic who first found the crystal skull years ago, manage to escape from the Russians into the jungle. Indiana and Marion get stuck in sinking mud, and Shia uses a CGI snake to pull them out. Indiana pretends to be afraid of snakes. Marion pretends to act interested. Shia actually acts, and delivers a hilarious “I’m way too good for this movie” face as he convinces Indiana to grasp the obviously fake snake so he can pull Indiana to safety.
What follows in the last half of the movie is a collection of scenes too incredulous for even an Indiana Jones story. Junior turns out to be a master swordsman and duels Cate Blanchett during a car chase while doing the splits with one leg on his car and one leg on hers; Indiana Jones fights off KGB agents with the vigor of a man 200 years younger; Junior somehow winds up in a tree and, following the lead of a band of CGI monkeys, swings from rope to rope like Tarzan, for miles, without once falling; giant CGI ants attack and swallow several fully-grown Russian men for no reason whatsoever; and Marion finally delivers the nondramatic nonsurprise that Junior is Indiana’s son. The gang flee the Russians long enough to fall down three waterfalls, one right after the other, without falling out of their boat-car (until the last waterfall). Even after all that no one is hurt, because this is an Indiana Jones movie and nothing makes sense. The gang figures out where the skull needs to be taken, and at this point has somehow managed to get the skull back into their possession even though they’re outnumbered five to 10,000. They return the skull to its chamber, and as soon as they do thirteen crystal alien skeletons awaken and begin humming. The Russians find them. Cate Blanchett demands that the aliens give her all the knowledge in the world, and the chamber begins revolving in a circle while the thirteen skeletons merge into one CGI alien. A freaking SPACESHIP rises from the ground as the alien stares hard into Cate’s eyes and lights her body on fire. This does not, for some reason, faze Indiana Jones. With Cate dead, the rest of the KGB agents have no idea how to beat Indiana and leave the film entirely. The spaceship rises into the air, destroying the enormous temple below it. George Lucas wanders around the set, waiting for people to applaud the part of the movie he single-handedly wrote.
The gang decides to spend the night in the jungle, and Shia asks a real, relevant question - where was Indiana Jones his whole life, and why was he such a bad, nonexistent father? Instead of exploring the most realistic conflict in the entire movie, Indiana Jones literally laughs in his son’s face, Marion makes a corny joke, and then, although neither of them have given any indication that they loved each other or were even remotely aware of the other’s presence, Indiana and Marion get married back in the States. Both of them appear very happy considering their complete lack of interest in one another mere seconds ago. Shia also appears remarkably content. A few Ewoks Lucas couldn’t resist putting in the movie clap enthusiastically when the couple kisses.
There is a very cute moment in which the church doors open and a wind blows Indiana’s famous hat to Shia’s feet. Shia bends down to pick it up, and Indiana Jones snatches the hat away and places it on his own head, letting us know that he’ll play this role until he’s a rotting corpse, but better luck next time, Junior. The cuteness is then replaced by a sense of dread as the entire audience realizes that Shia LaBeuof would be ten times the Indiana Jones Harrison Ford ever was. And somewhere in the background, Steven Spielberg’s agent drafts a contract that bars Spielberg and Lucas from ever collaborating on anything ever again.

The Chronic Slaughtering of Narnia

Who has read the Narnia chronicles? Yes, the books. No, watching the first Narnia movie doesn’t count. No, it doesn’t. No one? Really? Well that’s ok, because the movies will tell you just about everything you never wanted to know about Narnia.
Narnia is another world that’s not our world. Check. Four English children somehow got into Narnia from our world. Check. Narnia is ruled by a giant CGI lion blessedly not created by Peter Jackson. Check. The CGI lion is supposed to be Jesus. Wait, what?
I will say this for Prince Caspian – it’s a better movie than The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe was. And it, like its predecessor, very kindly summarizes its plot in its own title. There is no other good that comes from watching Prince Caspian. There is nothing else that makes sense. The rest of the movie leaves you with so many small, nagging questions that by time the movie ends you don’t even care what it's trying to accomplish. By the time the movie ends, you’re dead inside.
Narnia was once ruled by the White Witch (who was defeated by the CGI lion/Jesus), then by the four English children (who essentially abandoned it when they accidentally found a way back into England by literally going back through the way they came in), and is now ruled by a race of people with inexplicably Spanish accents. Prince Caspian is the Prince of Narnia. His father is dead. His uncle rules in his stead. Somewhere, Shakespeare cashes in a check for yet another Hamletesque plot. When the uncle’s wife gives birth to a son, Prince Caspian is wisely advised to leave the castle before the token henchmen can come shoot their token weapons at him. Which they do. Because the plot is that transparent. The Prince runs away to the Forbidden Forest that houses scary magical creatures, and J.K. Rowling puts in a call to her agent. The Prince is rescued from the token henchmen pursuit by dwarves and a rather large talking badger. Because the book requires him to, the Prince blows a horn before passing out from no injury whatsoever. The Prince’s uncle then convinces the Narnian legislature (which is comprised of approximately 10 men that neither the audience nor the characters can tell apart) that Prince Caspian has been abducted by Narnians. We now know that Narnians are comprised of dwarves, talking animals, centaurs, faun, and trees, and not these Spanish-accented men. Unfortunately, we don’t quite care.
Meanwhile, in England, the four children/turned Narnia kings and queens/turned English children wait in the Underground with their school bags. There is a fight between Peter and some random hooligan, and right before Peter gets beaten up, he and Susan exchange a knowing look that would be more fitting between husband and wife than brother and sister. There is some obligatory exposition and set-up of a conflict that, while utterly ridiculous, will continue to pervade the entire movie; namely, Peter misses being a grown-up and all the respect it entails, and wants his family and everyone else to treat him as the 50-year old wise king he no longer is. The walls then begin to crumble around them, and the four are magically transported from an Underground station to a Narnian beach. They immediately jump in the water with all their clothes on, because they’re children.
What follows is an hour-long interspersion of short dialogue and landscape shots. Here, a Narnian cliff. There, a Narnian ruin. Look Peter, our old castle. Look Lucy, your old clothes. Nonfunny nonbanter about Peter making a torch out of a stick and bits of his shirt when Edward already had a flashlight in his backpack. These kids have made no great strides in their acting range since the first movie, and it’s doubtful that they will in the next. Once they realize quite improbably, and with absolutely no help from anyone else, that thousands of years have passed in Narnian time since their last visit, they save a dwarf from being drowned by a couple of soldiers. Yes, it really is that silly. Luckily, this dwarf knows where Prince Caspian is and knows that the four must meet him in order to save Narnia from…itself? The Spanish people? The bear that tried to eat Lucy after she stupidly decided to talk to it while it was hunting for food? It’s not really certain.
There is a strange scene in which Peter and the dwarf argue over Narnian geography, with Peter claiming that there is a river HERE and the dwarf claiming that the river is THERE. It is unclear whose geography is superior, but what does become clear is that Lucy claims that she saw the lion and he told them to cross the river HERE, but the rest of the children and the dwarf don’t believe her and want to cross the river THERE. Lucy is the only one who believes in and can see the lion. Lucy is also right about where to cross the river. Lucy has Faith and the others don’t, but there is no reward for her or punishment for them. It, like the rest of the movie, just is.
The children meet up with Prince Caspian. He and Peter engage in an idiotic swordfight before realizing each other’s identities, and Susan tries to make flirty faces with both of them. Because Anna Poppelwell can’t act, she only manages to look vaguely constipated. The children, Caspian, and the gathered Narnians make a pact to fight together against the Spanish people to free their land from…? It is still unclear. In the meantime, Caspian’s uncle has succeeded in convincing his band of 10 merry senators that manifest destiny requires them to fight Caspian and the Narnians. They gather their massive forces and spend most of their time building a bridge from a meadow to the Forbidden Forest, across a small brook, for no reason whatsoever. Mel Brooks dashes off an email to his agent about being on the east bank, and then on the west bank, because this ain’t exactly the Mississippi river.
Peter convinces the gang that they need to invade Caspian’s uncle’s castle. All except Lucy, who wants to sit tight and wait for the lion, agree that this is the best course of action. They invade the castle, and things naturally do not go well for them, because they don’t have the Faith. A band of talking mice tie up a sleeping cat for supposedly comedic purposes. Caspian confronts his uncle and learns that his uncle killed his father for the throne; Shakespeare gives himself the thumbs up and smirks. A creature with a huge buffalo head and tiny gazelle legs loses his life trying to hold open the gate during the gang’s retreat. Lucy fails to say I told you so.
The gang’s next brilliant plan is to offer the Spaniards a one-on-one deal. The uncle will fight Peter to the death in single combat, and the side that doesn’t end up with a dead leader gets Narnia. Peter predictably beats the uncle, and predictably does not go in for the kill, instead giving Caspian the honors. Caspian, also predictably, refuses. The uncle is then stabbed (in the back, no less) by one of his interchangeable senators. The Spaniards fail to hold up their end of the deal (predictably) and war begins. There is fighting. There are swords and arrows. Lucy, who for some reason was in the woods looking for the lion while her brother was fighting Caspian’s uncle, succeeds in her quest. The lion gently reprimands her for not riding into the woods to look for him earlier, then roars and all the trees come to life. The trees use their CGI roots to beat up the Spaniard army, and the army retreats back across the bridge from forest to meadow. Unfortunately, Lucy and the lion are in the way. The lion roars again, and the brook god rears up to wash away the army into what is now apparently a CGI ocean. The Narnians cheer. The lion grows the talking mice’s king a new tail to replace his injured one, because the lion is Jesus. There is peace in Narnia once again.
The rest of the movie is a steady dénouement into even more boredom. The lion informs Peter and Susan that they can no longer come to Narnia, because they’re too old. Edward and Lucy get to have more adventures in the summer of 2010. Also, the lion reveals that the Spaniards are from our world; somehow, their entire civilization found its way into Narnia and conquered it many centuries ago. Susan, who has barely spoken three words to Caspian, tells him apropos of nothing that it would have never worked out between them because she’s 1300 years older than he is. Caspian wisely fails to tell her that he’s actually about 43 to her 17. They for some reason kiss, and Caspian gives the audience a shrug because cradle-robbing is in his contract. The four kids and a couple of Spaniards go through a hole in a tree to return to our world. The kids end up right back on the Underground platform from whence they began the movie, and the lion even has the foresight to return them to their school uniforms, thus sparing us from “jokes” about why those funny-looking kids are wearing chainmail. What we are not spared from is wondering why anyone who knows a book about this very story already exists (please check your local library for Prince Caspian, any of the Harry Potter books, or Hamlet) bothered to make this movie in the first place.

Birth of a Blog

In elementary school, teachers used to say that the best way to start writing a paper was to just write.  Write something, anything, even if it's gibberish (they'd say); the mere act will make paper writing less daunting.  In other words, the best way to start is to simply start. Nike said it a bit more concisely with "Just Do It," although I doubt they had blogging in mind.

This first post has been brought to you by elementary school teachers and Nike.  And the letter D.