Harrison Ford reunites with his octogenarian contemporaries Spielberg and Lucas. Shia LaBeuof reprises his role as the lone bright spot in a campy summer “blockbuster.” Cate Blanchett adds “KGB agent” to her growing list of strange character choices. And Karen Allen returns from a half-century’s hiatus to grin inanely.
“I don’t understand” Shia LaBeuof says, echoing the audience’s collective confusion as it watches a 107-year-old Indiana Jones stagger across desert and jungle in search of yet another Valuable Historical Artifact - a crystal skull that is neither crystal nor really skull. It’s also alien. And inexplicably magnetic. And, at times, alive.
The first half of the movie is generally pleasing in a playful way that echoes past Indiana Jones movies. Harrison Ford is there, in his remarkably well-preserved hat, fighting bad guys, chasing historical mysteries across the world, and getting out of impossible situations alive and unscathed. There are two-dimensional enemies with thick Russian accents. There is a fat friend and a romantic love interest. There’s even a young sidekick, although the sidekick is, for the first time, of actual personal interest to Indiana.
The first half of the movie finds Indiana Jones fighting KGB agents for control of the crystal skull, losing said crystal skull, barely escaping with his life (again), and surviving a nuclear test he accidentally stumbles into. Yes, that really happens. And he survives. By leaping into a lead-cased refrigerator. This plot point serves no purposes except to showcase a very large explosion, which is, unfortunately, not an unusual reason in an Indiana Jones film.
The middle of the film plods along more slowly than the beginning, reaching only a slight level of amusement when Shia LaBeuof appears. Indiana and Indiana Jr. (b/c the young sidekick is actually his son, and we actually figure that out the second he steps onscreen) work together in their quest to retrieve the crystal skull from the Russians. Shia LaBeuof states that Indiana Jones is a little long in the tooth for such antics and Harrison Ford agrees, but Indiana keeps traveling around the globe punching bad guys. The two find the Russians in the jungle, and are, of course, captured. Cate Blanchett forces Indiana Jones to stare into the abyss of the crystal skull; Harrison Ford stares into the abyss of his career. The skull speaks to Indiana Jones inside his mind, and the plot veers from campy fun to complete lunacy.
Indiana, as per usual, refuses to help the Russians any further, and then, as per usual, changes his mind when he realizes the Russians have captured Jones Jr.’s mother, Marion Ravenwood. The KGB agents start barking orders. The Russian commands are never subtitled, but members of the audience who do not understand Russian are never hindered since each command is followed by a visual interpretation mere seconds later. Cate Blanchett barks “knife!” in Russian, and a knife appears in her hands. She yells out “map!” and a map and table are slammed down in front of her. The men behind her exclaim such helpful orders as “hurry!” and “faster!” and Harrison Ford solves a riddle written in Mayan hieroglyphics more quickly than Lucas can say “I need a larger CGI budget. Also, MORE ALIENS.”
Indiana, Junior, Junior’s mom, and Ox, the lunatic who first found the crystal skull years ago, manage to escape from the Russians into the jungle. Indiana and Marion get stuck in sinking mud, and Shia uses a CGI snake to pull them out. Indiana pretends to be afraid of snakes. Marion pretends to act interested. Shia actually acts, and delivers a hilarious “I’m way too good for this movie” face as he convinces Indiana to grasp the obviously fake snake so he can pull Indiana to safety.
What follows in the last half of the movie is a collection of scenes too incredulous for even an Indiana Jones story. Junior turns out to be a master swordsman and duels Cate Blanchett during a car chase while doing the splits with one leg on his car and one leg on hers; Indiana Jones fights off KGB agents with the vigor of a man 200 years younger; Junior somehow winds up in a tree and, following the lead of a band of CGI monkeys, swings from rope to rope like Tarzan, for miles, without once falling; giant CGI ants attack and swallow several fully-grown Russian men for no reason whatsoever; and Marion finally delivers the nondramatic nonsurprise that Junior is Indiana’s son. The gang flee the Russians long enough to fall down three waterfalls, one right after the other, without falling out of their boat-car (until the last waterfall). Even after all that no one is hurt, because this is an Indiana Jones movie and nothing makes sense. The gang figures out where the skull needs to be taken, and at this point has somehow managed to get the skull back into their possession even though they’re outnumbered five to 10,000. They return the skull to its chamber, and as soon as they do thirteen crystal alien skeletons awaken and begin humming. The Russians find them. Cate Blanchett demands that the aliens give her all the knowledge in the world, and the chamber begins revolving in a circle while the thirteen skeletons merge into one CGI alien. A freaking SPACESHIP rises from the ground as the alien stares hard into Cate’s eyes and lights her body on fire. This does not, for some reason, faze Indiana Jones. With Cate dead, the rest of the KGB agents have no idea how to beat Indiana and leave the film entirely. The spaceship rises into the air, destroying the enormous temple below it. George Lucas wanders around the set, waiting for people to applaud the part of the movie he single-handedly wrote.
The gang decides to spend the night in the jungle, and Shia asks a real, relevant question - where was Indiana Jones his whole life, and why was he such a bad, nonexistent father? Instead of exploring the most realistic conflict in the entire movie, Indiana Jones literally laughs in his son’s face, Marion makes a corny joke, and then, although neither of them have given any indication that they loved each other or were even remotely aware of the other’s presence, Indiana and Marion get married back in the States. Both of them appear very happy considering their complete lack of interest in one another mere seconds ago. Shia also appears remarkably content. A few Ewoks Lucas couldn’t resist putting in the movie clap enthusiastically when the couple kisses.
There is a very cute moment in which the church doors open and a wind blows Indiana’s famous hat to Shia’s feet. Shia bends down to pick it up, and Indiana Jones snatches the hat away and places it on his own head, letting us know that he’ll play this role until he’s a rotting corpse, but better luck next time, Junior. The cuteness is then replaced by a sense of dread as the entire audience realizes that Shia LaBeuof would be ten times the Indiana Jones Harrison Ford ever was. And somewhere in the background, Steven Spielberg’s agent drafts a contract that bars Spielberg and Lucas from ever collaborating on anything ever again.
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